Weeding
I am so sad because on Monday, I called my Dad about my cousins wedding I am going to this weekend up in Oregon with Adrien. Dad said some things to me that were not only the most horrific verbal abuse he has ever said to me, but border on a criminal threat. Our relationship is devestated, and I am considering (with the advice of several people) just "weeding" him out of my life. I can't withstand that abuse any more. The details on what he said are so hard to recall because when he does abuse me like he has so many times in my life, I just blank it out of my memory immeadiately. But I do remember this one for the most part, and he basically he said
It is so sad to see my Dad in such an immature and unevolved state in his 58 years. It makes me sorry for him. I realize that he is probably suffering in his heart. He probably has a very hardened heart and very thick walls built up around them.
I think his reason for lashing out at me is that he is actually just taking out all his frustration with his life on me. He needs a way to vent, somebody to be his scapegoat, and something to stomp on for him to feel better.
He has had many sad things happen to him in his life:
-his Mom died when he was 12 from cancer.
-his Dad became an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable
-he went to jail for some crime like stealing a car or some beer when he was in high school, and got in lots of trouble (he grew up in Las Vegas and mixed with a bad crowd)
-he met my mom at college and went to dental school and they had similar dysfunctional youth stories.
-they hoped for a better life for themselves.
-they had a disabled first child.
-the adopted me, and I had learning and behavioral problems
-dad's sister died of cancer when she was 40ish
-dad's father died a few years ago
-dad got cancer a few years ago, and survived.
I think all these things have taken their toll on him. I think he and my Mom also have a dysfunctional marriage, and my Dad has never really been happy in it.
I think he also depends on medication to solve his supposed "ADD" or "Bipolar" problems when he really could just spend some time in counseling or some other form of therapy just working on some personal growth issues. But alas he decides to take it out on his son.
It's funny because the movie "Garden State" has a very similar father/son relationship and family dysfunctionality as mine. I know i tried as hard if not harder than the main character in that movie, to create peace with my father and my family. But the things he said this weekend to me seemed like he was trying to make things so decisively broken and finished. He seems to have cut me out of his heart. That hurts me to the core of who I am.
I feel like I have a choice still, to continue to love him. But I feel i either have to love him from a distance (i.e. through letters and other such forms of communication), or take him out of my life permanently. I can't physically take the verbal, and emotional, and what used to be physical abuse from him. And after hearing the things he said to me, which usually only a mentally unstable person would say to another human, i fear that he may try to get physically abusive with me again if I ever see him in person. So alas, i feel i have no choice but to heed the warnings of reason and to just stay away from this person in my life, and weed him out.
Maybe if I occasionally throw some seeds of love in his direction, they may eventually hold and something beautiful will grow back.
"F*ck you, I hope you die soon, your name is Jesse (my name before they adopted me), you are white trash, you are mentally ill, i hope you die and go to hell, don't ever call my house again, we are not going to the wedding because we heard you are going, those are our relatives not yours (my relatives actually personally invited me and asked me to film the wedding...i think they feel differntly then he does), we don't care about you at all, you are a con artist"and on and on and on with the insults and horrendous words.
It is so sad to see my Dad in such an immature and unevolved state in his 58 years. It makes me sorry for him. I realize that he is probably suffering in his heart. He probably has a very hardened heart and very thick walls built up around them.
I think his reason for lashing out at me is that he is actually just taking out all his frustration with his life on me. He needs a way to vent, somebody to be his scapegoat, and something to stomp on for him to feel better.
He has had many sad things happen to him in his life:
-his Mom died when he was 12 from cancer.
-his Dad became an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable
-he went to jail for some crime like stealing a car or some beer when he was in high school, and got in lots of trouble (he grew up in Las Vegas and mixed with a bad crowd)
-he met my mom at college and went to dental school and they had similar dysfunctional youth stories.
-they hoped for a better life for themselves.
-they had a disabled first child.
-the adopted me, and I had learning and behavioral problems
-dad's sister died of cancer when she was 40ish
-dad's father died a few years ago
-dad got cancer a few years ago, and survived.
I think all these things have taken their toll on him. I think he and my Mom also have a dysfunctional marriage, and my Dad has never really been happy in it.
I think he also depends on medication to solve his supposed "ADD" or "Bipolar" problems when he really could just spend some time in counseling or some other form of therapy just working on some personal growth issues. But alas he decides to take it out on his son.
It's funny because the movie "Garden State" has a very similar father/son relationship and family dysfunctionality as mine. I know i tried as hard if not harder than the main character in that movie, to create peace with my father and my family. But the things he said this weekend to me seemed like he was trying to make things so decisively broken and finished. He seems to have cut me out of his heart. That hurts me to the core of who I am.
I feel like I have a choice still, to continue to love him. But I feel i either have to love him from a distance (i.e. through letters and other such forms of communication), or take him out of my life permanently. I can't physically take the verbal, and emotional, and what used to be physical abuse from him. And after hearing the things he said to me, which usually only a mentally unstable person would say to another human, i fear that he may try to get physically abusive with me again if I ever see him in person. So alas, i feel i have no choice but to heed the warnings of reason and to just stay away from this person in my life, and weed him out.
Maybe if I occasionally throw some seeds of love in his direction, they may eventually hold and something beautiful will grow back.
posted by Ryan Mlynarczyk at 2:55 PM
3 Comments:
He sounds mentally ill. I mean, like there's a real, legitimate problem there.
MOST importantly, don't EVER think what he says to you is true. EVER. You're a good, smart, kind, generous, giving, loving person. That's what you need to hold on to.
As for weeding him out, I don't think the choice is yours--I think he just weeded himself out. Let him go. Let him go with love; forgive him if you can (it's his illness, not his heart, that says and does the cruel things).
If you're so inclined, reach out every so often, but don't be surprised if distance makes it worse instead of better. Whatever you do though, I beg you, don't let your interactions with him interfere with your relationship with Adrien.
Good luck.
Ryan, I presume I may a little farther down the road than you as I've weeded and had seeds grow into something not quite so glamourous as love. Something which has worked for me is to not sever ties completely, but let crazy relatives be. I send my love to them on my own terms and in my own time, because their terms are too costly. And I don't forget these relatives are bees buzzing about from flower to hive. They have their very own world and sting those they do not appreciate coming near.
Dear Ryan,
Found your blog just surfing blogs today. Who am I? A 39 year old wife, mother, teacher, pretend farmer,and revolutionary with a great passion for reading and writing. Blogs are interesting, and I found yours to be quite inspiring today.
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