The round file

This apple withering in the empty hole of a vast wall of concrete
on Venice Beach, CA sybolized to me a bit of the emptyness of our wasteful society.

We take nature, and throw it away often times carelessly, without
regard for the uglieness we leave behind. But it may have something
to do with the fact that we surround ourselves with bland, ugly, structures
like this concrete wall with a hole in it. How can we expect ourselves
to take care of a world in which we pave over with concrete?

------------------

I am a NOTARY!! WHOPEEE! I finally passed the test after the third try!
It might have had something to do with taking a better class after the second
time i failed. But anyways...i do feel like a smartie pants right now! I got an
80% too!!! Only needed 70% to pass.

yak yak, brag brag. I still feel like a million bucks...even though i'll only be making
10 bucks a signature as a notary! HA!

Freedom Wood

Just a little politically loaded picture here. I couldn't help but just pull off and take this picture when I was driving home from the ocean with Adrien. After having enjoyed a day of the beautiful scenery of the ocean, the hills, the meadows, lakes, rivers, ponds, and forests, it just seemed so shocking to see several HUGE piles of wood (probably 30 feet high each) with an american flag planted on top, and a "WOOD FOR SALE" sign next to it.

Although i have nothing against using firewood, it just seemed so typical of our overconsumptuous American society to capitalize on nature but cutting down a forest and selling it as firewood. Here was an ABUNDANT supply of firewood that some property owner was going to make a fortune on, and to show his pride of the capitalistic system that encourages this nature damaging fortune hunting, a flag was placed on top as if to symbolize it had been conquered. FREEDOM WOOD!

----------------

Nothing of note happened yesterday, except it was nice to see Adriem beaming about how warmly welcomed she felt at the school staff meeting she stood up and spoke at. I also was thrilled that the prinicple gave her approval to hang some of my picures in the school library for decoration! The plan is to hang 1 picture to represent each section of the dewey decimal system(ex. science, history, etc.).

Watched the movie Paper Chase...i highly recommend it to anyone interested in law school.

It was especially weird for me and Adrien to watch because it directly related to us in so many ways about law school and how it is so difficult to be in a relationship during law school. Nice to know we weren't alone in our struggles earlier this month.

beyond the shattered outlook

This picture hopefully is self explanatory. But if not...

Even though the bleak outlook of logging seems to have shattered the hopes for a sustainable future, there is still hope for life, as the flower symbolizes.

It's actually the shattered window of my car, last year when it got broken into. I was taking this picture for insurance purposes (my deductable was more expensive then the cost of just replacing the darned window!). I edited out the car interoir and put in the stump and the flower growing next to it.


--------------

Adrien is loving her job! Which means I am happy! I am so glad to be able to spend more time with her. We drove to Davis last night to visit my old college buddy, Donny who is there for a few days for some new job training (he's the new UC Davis rep in the LA/San Diego area. It was freshman orientation week, so it was fun reliving the good old college days with orientation parties in the streets and recent high school graduates roaming the town in gangs. I missed Davis for the first time in many years. What a wonderful, peaceful, mellow, and freindly town. Adrien loved it too, which made me love her so much more...for appreciating a huge part of my formative years.

As we were leaving we passed by a huge group of diverse students who looked starry eyed, and were putting their hands in the center of their circle for a group motivational shout. As we passed by we yelled good luck to them (as they were obviously freshman) and the leader yelled back...hey these guys are freshman...come join them in a welcoming shout. We said...hey why not, so all three of us put our hands in the middle and shouted for joy with them! As we introduced ourselves, as two old alumni, they were full of questions. We asked them what dorm they lived in and it turned out it was Rienda...my freshman year dorm building. I asked them if they knew of my mural on the third floor of the building next to my old room 308. They said YES we know that mural! I was shocked that it was still there (as the murals are normally painted over every 2 years or so...it has been there for 10 years now!!. Maybe it's the policital correctness of it. I painted two hands holding the earth and one hand is a guy and one hand is a girl, and one skin tone is light and the other is dark. Very similar to the picture on the cover of my website (1thinlayer.com)They invited us to go back with them and check it out...we said...no...go have a good time, but maybe we will stop by on our own. So we did, and by golly the mural was still there...a little defaced, but still there! I had never signed it...out of some silly humbleness phase I was in...and have now realized that I just missed out on 10 years of connections with people passing it by potentially recognizing my name on it, and menioning it to me. So I pulled out a sharpie that Adrien had on her, and I signed it! Finally...redeemed for not signing it!

Sorry

This picture was a total accident. I left the shutter open for ¼ of a second and was hoping to get the lights of the traffic to paint the image, while shaking the camera in all directions. I didn't realize that a bus or some vehicle passed by with lights that read "Sorry" for some reason. It could have been a bus that said "sorry out of service". This image made me want to add a child to it, so I superimposed a pic i took of a sad looking child. It is such a good element too as it could be a soft and sweet greeting card impression that one takes from looking at this image like "I'm sorry…so sorry", or

it could be interpreted to be wild and chaotic traffic that mankind has created which owes an apology to our cute flower picking kids for the car worshiping and fast paced world that we are leaving to them.

However it is interpreted, it is what it is…a digitally manipulated and accidental image!

------------------------------------------


I spend this weekend shooting another wedding. I realized that I really admire wedding photographers...it is basically photojournalism, and it is an art to capture the moment again and again and again and again. I am learning and my pictures are getting better. I just finished my wedding portfolio...www.1thinlayer.com/ryan.htm
I don't think i will post any more pictures of weddings on this blog unless they are related to my passion...conscious photography.

Adrien started her librarian job yesterday, and it was so good to see her active, and using her amazing talents once again. She can really take initiative and perform wonders in stressful situations with not much structure. I am inspired!

"It's Just Trash"

This is a pile of trash that was along side Hwy 101 in Santa Rosa with a sign next to it that said "Don't Trash California". It would have been ideal to take this shot at rush hour traffic to get an even more intense contrast between the billboard's instructions and the irony of gridlocked cars polluting the air. But the funniest thing happened when i was getting back in the car...a police officer on a motorcycle pulled up behind my car, which I admit, I had unwisely parked on the side of an onramp to the freeway, and he asked me what the problem was. I said "Nothing officer, i am a photographer and I was taking photos of that pile of trash and the sign". His shocking response was:

"It's just trash, what's there to take a picture of? Please go ahead and merge safely"

Then he told me that CALTRANS (and the department of transportation) have a new public awarness campaign going on and they will be doing this all the time now...putting the trash they pick up on the highway in a big pile for everyone to see with a sign near it.

-------------------------------
This blog is the first of my new format. Since withdrawing from law school, I have been intensly focusing on my photography (as well as Adrien!).

Since blogging is very similar to photojournalism, and that is something I am interested in, I am going to start keeping a daily photojournal of a photo I have taken that day. For a while though I am just going to backtrack on some of my favorite photos that I would like to blog about (not to mention I won't be taking photos with my digital rebel for awhile as it needs to be sent back to Canon to get the flash circuit fixed since it is not working for some reason...that will take a couple months I hear!).

Then one day when I have finished that project I am publicly vowing right now, to post one photo a day...that I have taken that day, and write an entry about the photo My hope is that they will be brief...a skill i learned in law school. HA!

mysterious routes

"there is a route to follow and sometimes it is the mysterious and unexplainable route that leads us to where we are and where we need to be."

This quote came from a friend, Carrie, who was encouraging me that it's ok that I quit law school.

I am so inspired by this comment as I was just reading a book about a nature photographer this weekend who quit his 9-5 job to pursue photography. He said he ended up having the time of his life, as he felt like he now gets to do what he would normally do for vacation as his full time job...photography! I know it's rare for people to be able to do that...but I am gonna try. Why not, we only get to live this life once!

On that note, the mysterious route has become very exciting this past weekend. I got hired as an assistant to a wedding photographer, whom is a environmental photographer friend of mine. She's willing to take me on to mentor me to get my own wedding gigs, to finance my own endeavors for conscious photography, and hopefully making a book someday.

a pic of the wedding i helped photograph this weekend:



The other amazing thing was that my law firm boss was totally ok with me quitting law school, and even allowed me to keep the raise i got which was supposed to be for helping me pay for law school!

Mysterious and unexplainable indeed.

I'm a statistic

reasons for stopping law school are PILING up. I met with California State Assembly Woman Noreen Evans (D) Santa Rosa, today, and talked to her all about law school and the environment. She is a lawyer as well, and she has an interest in environmental issues. She warned me that enviornmental law is so dull and difficult, and of course void of any money to be made, that she pretty much made me second guess law school.

Adrien got sick this week, and in the middle of the night started complaining. As i realized that I had a 12 hour day ahead of me and i was worried about getting behind in law class (as I already am way behind), and I was worried about my finances as I have barely enought to survive, and I have lots of law books still to buy (probably $1000+ worth). So anyways, i snapped at Adrien,

"I have to get some sleep and law school and work is more important than me helping you with your stomach ache right now".

Well, i blew it. That was absolutely the worst fear i had of what the stress of law school would do to me. And it is only the third week. Granted i hear the stress gets less as law school goes on, but right now...it's HELL.

It's such unfortunate timing for me, as first off, i have bad credit, and couldn't get a loan for law school so i have to work to pay for it all at once. That makes it almost impossible to have a healthy life.

It's also bad timing as i just met the love of my life. I am so happy, and so joyous when I am myself around Adrien that I know she is my soulmate. When i get in law school mode...she becomes second priority and it really makes our relationship suffer. She isn't that needy either which is the wierd thing, but it's just so difficult for me to cut her out of my life so much to study. I think we need a year to just be together and develop our tender love into a solid rock.

Here's the big thing about law school that is driving me nuts. I am not following my heart. And it is becoming very apparent to me. I have this nagging feeling that if I didn't have to worry about money, that I would not be going to law school. I would most definitely be pursuing photography. EMT work would be my way to make ends meet if photography didn't pay the bills. But if I can do law school, which I know I can now, I can definitely become a successful photographer.

i also want to live sustainably, and simply. If that is all I need than why do i need to go to law school and try to make lots of money, and have to deal with all the stress of the law? I don't!

i am realizing that I am in it for the security. I think the other part of it is that I need to feel adequate. Being able to accomplish law school makes me feel adequate. I think the reason i have felt inadequate is due to my parents. If I felt completly adequate with who i am, i would definitely not be in law school, as it is too much stress.

so in sum, i feel like I have washed out, I have sold myself out, by thinking that I need to go to law school. i think if i grow some balls, and just take a risk and believe in myself and follow my heart, i will pursue the art of photography.

i think i am going to throw the towel in on law school, this year while I develop my relationship and my photography. Maybe there can be another chance for law school next year if the cirumstances are better.

so that's it. I'm a statistic now. I QUIT!

Marathon

The marathon is on. Law is demanding, here we go.

Fear, Anarchy, Love

It is interesting that in the past week i have seen two of the things I have been preparing for in the study of fear in my life and those around me....anarchy and reactionary fear based family disfunction. When we live in fear, as I have seen myself and others around me,live in all my life, it is only obvious that a buildup and then a violent blowup or a chaotic outpouring will ensue. Our society has progressively become more and more lazy, dependent on comfort and luxuries, and idle. And all the while people are becoming more and more fear oriented and focusing heavily on self-protection. For example, we watch movies like "Independence Day" or "War of the Worlds" or "Armeggedon" all in the expectation that some evil thing is out there and ready to come and wipe us out. Sure it may be, but when we live in fear of it, rather than just living in the moment and enjoying the lives we have today, we isolate ourselves from the world around us and eventually each other.
When an event like Hurricane Katrina happens which is utterly devestating and people who have lived in fear and isolation from the world around them and eachother, it is only fitting that the government would respond with a delayed response...because of course a government of a people who are isolated will respond in delayed and isolated manner from it's people. The government is made up of the same isolated people as those that it governs. When the people break out in riots, looting, and anarchy, of course the government is going to respond with mandatory evacuations, shoot to kill enforcement of the city, and guns and soldiers sent to patrol a humanitarian disaster. These problems are all rooted in something so deep that it goes down the deepest levels of every individuals heart. I have seen a great divide in our nation in recent times, and my conversation with my father this week was greatly symbolic of the two opposion factions. My fathers heart is fearful, and his actions are a direct result of some deeply imbedded fear that he has not overcome. My actions toward him need to be based out of the love for him, and life, that i feel, and the fear that i have overcome. Let's evolve people!

Weeding

I am so sad because on Monday, I called my Dad about my cousins wedding I am going to this weekend up in Oregon with Adrien. Dad said some things to me that were not only the most horrific verbal abuse he has ever said to me, but border on a criminal threat. Our relationship is devestated, and I am considering (with the advice of several people) just "weeding" him out of my life. I can't withstand that abuse any more. The details on what he said are so hard to recall because when he does abuse me like he has so many times in my life, I just blank it out of my memory immeadiately. But I do remember this one for the most part, and he basically he said

"F*ck you, I hope you die soon, your name is Jesse (my name before they adopted me), you are white trash, you are mentally ill, i hope you die and go to hell, don't ever call my house again, we are not going to the wedding because we heard you are going, those are our relatives not yours (my relatives actually personally invited me and asked me to film the wedding...i think they feel differntly then he does), we don't care about you at all, you are a con artist"

and on and on and on with the insults and horrendous words.

It is so sad to see my Dad in such an immature and unevolved state in his 58 years. It makes me sorry for him. I realize that he is probably suffering in his heart. He probably has a very hardened heart and very thick walls built up around them.

I think his reason for lashing out at me is that he is actually just taking out all his frustration with his life on me. He needs a way to vent, somebody to be his scapegoat, and something to stomp on for him to feel better.

He has had many sad things happen to him in his life:
-his Mom died when he was 12 from cancer.
-his Dad became an alcoholic and emotionally unavailable
-he went to jail for some crime like stealing a car or some beer when he was in high school, and got in lots of trouble (he grew up in Las Vegas and mixed with a bad crowd)
-he met my mom at college and went to dental school and they had similar dysfunctional youth stories.
-they hoped for a better life for themselves.
-they had a disabled first child.
-the adopted me, and I had learning and behavioral problems
-dad's sister died of cancer when she was 40ish
-dad's father died a few years ago
-dad got cancer a few years ago, and survived.

I think all these things have taken their toll on him. I think he and my Mom also have a dysfunctional marriage, and my Dad has never really been happy in it.

I think he also depends on medication to solve his supposed "ADD" or "Bipolar" problems when he really could just spend some time in counseling or some other form of therapy just working on some personal growth issues. But alas he decides to take it out on his son.

It's funny because the movie "Garden State" has a very similar father/son relationship and family dysfunctionality as mine. I know i tried as hard if not harder than the main character in that movie, to create peace with my father and my family. But the things he said this weekend to me seemed like he was trying to make things so decisively broken and finished. He seems to have cut me out of his heart. That hurts me to the core of who I am.

I feel like I have a choice still, to continue to love him. But I feel i either have to love him from a distance (i.e. through letters and other such forms of communication), or take him out of my life permanently. I can't physically take the verbal, and emotional, and what used to be physical abuse from him. And after hearing the things he said to me, which usually only a mentally unstable person would say to another human, i fear that he may try to get physically abusive with me again if I ever see him in person. So alas, i feel i have no choice but to heed the warnings of reason and to just stay away from this person in my life, and weed him out.

Maybe if I occasionally throw some seeds of love in his direction, they may eventually hold and something beautiful will grow back.

one more reason

ok...i must admit...after reading my co-law student Aimee's thoughts about law school, and my reasons for being there...there is one reason i am there i didn't mention.

It is an absloutley amazing opportunity to affect change from with-in the "system".

I have devoted my life to living sustinably, and in the mean time advocating this lifestyle
as much as possible.

If i can actually be a lawyer working with in the system, i think the system would be
better off having a person like me being in there and working for positive change, because
if I somehow survive the beatings the systems throws my way, i will fight back with all my
being to change it for the better.

I think this weekend was hard as my life just took on a huge level of committment and responsibility I wasn't planning on having when I started law school...living with my love.

I think i am honestly not sure how willing I am to juggle these two. I wish I could just focus on one or the other.

We'll see how much of a drive I have. Now...on to class tonight...one day at a time.

compromised values

What a dream state it is to be with the one I love.
I am so happy Adrien and I are in eachothers lives now.

We moved her up from LA this weekend after an intense
"see ya later" get togethers with ALL her old friends there,and her
family, and some amazing gifts from her friends. It was so exciting to see her couragously embrace some intense changes in her life. In fact, she even drove
on the freeway for the first time in her life, and drove half of the trip because she love it so much (and she used to fear it so much!). WOW, what a strong woman!

I noticed my attention to her and the things that I love in
life, and especially my core values, are having to change and
be ignored because of the intensity of my life with law school right
now. i have to work 30 hours a week and study ALL the rest of the time
and it is starting to worry me and Adrien, and several other people in my life.
It is not healthy. Period.

After a long talk with Adrien, we made it clear there is a mutual value between us
to follow our hearts, and not money. Is the law anything more than money for me? Well, yes, it is...it is a chance for me to prove to myself, and my parents, and everybody else who has ever doubted me, that I am doing something worthy with my life.

after realizing that, with the help of Adrien's questioning, i have realized that the law is something that I am not doing for the pure love of it. I think there are some other reasons I am doing it. Money, and affirmation. Hmmm...not who I am at the core of me.

If I truly believe in myself, and if I truly am not worried about money, i would probably find myself either doing photography, or being an EMT.

Law school is thrilling no doubt. It has made me feel so good inside the past two weeks, to realize I can actually do law school. I am smart enough. But maybe just knowing that, and revaluaitng why i am going will save me many years, of compromised values.

new thinking

Below is a link to an MP3 I recorded of tonight, and my first torts brief on a case with personal interst to me:

http://1thinlayer.com/first_torts_brief.mp3

they make fun of my last name too…enjoy that humor…haha

Tonight was a very intense night at law school. It’s like the level of thinking I have never really engaged my brain in, except when I absolutely had to in do or die situations, was the baseline expectation for how our brains are to think.

I felt like my brain was pushed to the edge of my capabilities tonight. The teacher went so fast with the concepts, and people were responding so intelligently to him, and the level of intelligence in the room kept the energy in the air just buzzing with intensity.

It was a wake up call to say the least. Not a bad one. Not a wake up call that I can’t handle this, or I have gotten myself in too deep…although those thoughts did briefly come to my mind, but mostly a wake up call to start using it or losing it. My brain can still handle this level of intensity…if I exercise it, and discipline it to. It’s just like exercising my body. I can still run 6  miles…if I discipline my body too, and keep it up.

The other thing that was intense for me to see tonight was how the professor is already engaging us in the classis Socratic method style of teaching, that is really geared towards FORCING us to change our mode of thinking. AND THAT WAS EXCITING. I think law school is going to be my new self-help program. My new addiction. My new form of therapy. I know lots of theater people who use acting as a form of self-help because it forces them to get outside of themselves. Same with the law for me. I tend to get stuck in certain modes of thinking, and I form my beliefs on that, and I get comfortable with my beliefs. But tonight, the professor in Torts (harms/injuries/wrongdoings) taught us, well more like forced us to let go of our comfort thoughts, and to realize that we may not have all the answers figured out. He not only challenged our beliefs, and made us realize that there really are no answers sometimes, but that the method in which we find answers must change completely.

I tend to try to find similarities in concepts (and people). Tonight the professor tried to beat this out of me. He drilled in me and others over and over again, that there is not similarities between things such as a tort and a crime, and there are not similarities between negligence and an assault. These are the modes of thinking of the law. To find the differences is the key. I remember someone telling me once that later in life people start to realize that they can't be friends with everyone and the way to weed people out and to find out ones truest friends is to start noticing the differences in the people in my life. If i always focus on the similarities, it will never help me come to any conclusions to who i should be focusing my energy on. Focusing on the differences will help me figure out which differences i can live with in friends. Cuz of course I can live with any similarities with friends, but that doesn't always help me get a conclusion as to who i should focus on being friends with. Same with the laws. Well not being freinds with them, but coming to conclusions on what moral answers one can live with are discovered by looking at the differences. It’s VERY black and white thinking. Just the mode of thinking I have been trying to get myself far away from recently. But I guess it is the only way our society is set up to handle the law. I am ok with that…for now…but I would love to see the legal system embrace more grey area thinking in the long run. Maybe that’s what my career in the law will try to change.

Another amazing story about tonight, is that I got called on to brief the first case. It was a small case from the “dark ages” (1450). It was interesting because it involved a case where a guy was defending himself from an assault and he put his stick up to block the blow, and ended up injuring the person standing behind him The question was is this person at fault, even though it was in self defense that he injured the third party. The answer is yes…it can still be his fault.

I told the class and the professor how ironic it was that I briefed this case, as my good friend's brother was in jail for a similar harm to another. I told them that he injured a person with a knife to the neck, when he and his friend were attacked by gangbangers. He brandished a knife to scare the attackers off, and while swinging it behind him, a person got hit from it behind him, in the neck. He got 7 years in prison for this. Is that right? According to this case it is, although it is from the dark ages, and by now people have learned to get out of situations like this if they can prove it was totally an accident…or can they. That was the basic premise of class tonight.

it's like christmas!

Contracts was a hard subject. A little lofty. But I thank God i have been working at the law firm for year and already have a slight idea what contracts are about. Otherwise i think i would have been lost. There are other people in our class who are contract managers for big companies, so they are totally set up to be successful in that class. Our teacher is a really nice hawaiin guy. He heated it up with his intenst socratic method teaching style last night...but i kinda liked it. It's fun to be on the spot. Keeps me on my toes.

In the mean time I was on the edge of breaking last night as i was studying for Torts, and Adrien was communicating with me about her inability to decide whether or not she should move up here still. The saga was still not over. She didn't feel comforatble moving up here not having a job all lined up, but she found out that her job in LA demoted her because she didn't have enought Early Childhood Education units. I, and everyone else thought that was a HUGE sign that she should just quit that job and move up here. It made sad that she didn't feel comforatble moving up here and living in limbo even though we would be together. But then this morning she called about a job she e-mailed yesterday, that seemed perfect for her, as she had been praying about it all night. She got the job!!! So she's moving up!

It's like christmas. I get to stay in my place, and I get to live with Adrien, and she get's to grow and i get to grow.

what a night.